Unionville superlatives

By Kate Dobbins ’19

REPORTER

Hallway where you’re most likely to find kids making out:

The one near staircase B on the second floor. You know that really sunny one where there aren’t any security cameras and literally no one walks by? Yeah, don’t go there unless you want to see a real life reenactment of The Birds and the Bees Chat.

 

Sporting event where you’re most likely to get thrown out:

Literally anything against Kennett. Like, anything.

 

Teacher most likely to accidentally stab their smartboard:

Mr. Dippell. Seriously, have you seen how hard that dude hits the board? It’s like he’s trying to take out his anger over not being a professional MMA fighter. Kinda aggressive, but entertaining nonetheless.

 

Test you’re most likely not to study for until the period before:

Vocab. You haven’t felt a true high until you’ve memorized 20 words in the 5 minutes between science and English.

 

Drill you’re likely to take the most seriously:

The drug-dog lockdown.

 

Thing you’re most likely to find in the bathroom:

Surprisingly not a juul; it’s really an empty soap dispenser. Like forreal, my hands haven’t been washed with anything other than hand sanitizer since August.

 

Most likely reason for your parents emailing the administration:

Those teachers who put in zeros when you miss a test. Why do you do that? Sure, it reminds me to take the test, but the chances I forget about an ENTIRE test are slim to none. Please save me from certain grounding. Put in a 100, that’ll have the same impact.

 

Staircase you’re most likely to get pushed down:

All of them. C’mon guys, one side is up, one side is down. I promise you don’t have to hold your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s hand in that thirty seconds. Save a life. Walk single file.

 

Floor you’re most likely to have a heat stroke on:

The third floor, specifically the science rooms. Yeah, we know that heat rises but it’s like a sauna up there. Plus the humidity doesn’t help anyone’s hair.

 

Most Dangerous Spot on Campus:

The library. Trying to cross that place is like trying to drive against traffic: illegal, wrong, and definitely scary.

 

Class most likely to make you cry:

AP Calculus. I dropped out after three days. No shame.

Best part of the school day:

Driving away in your Mercedes Benz jamming to Post Malone with the windows down. But I wouldn’t know, I can’t afford a parking pass.

 

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